Richard Randall Monday, July 11, 2022
I have been incarcerated now for 29 years; I have been assigned a new identity by California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation. As a result of my past criminal lifestyle and substance abuse, I have been stripped of my freedom and my name, because the crimes I have committed. It has cost me my family members and friends. I was born in San Diego California in 1977 to a single mother. My name given to me at birth was Richard Hildahl, but upon my arrival to the California Department of Corrections I was given a new name, and a number. “Nisbit” was not my choice of a name. Nisbit was non my arrest record, on my charges, or the name on my birth certificate; i did not have any choice though. Once I arrived to prison, the department of corrections assigned me a new name, I lost my identity completely.
I started using drugs and alcohol at an early age; it fueled my negative attitude and behavior and contributed to my self-destruction. I joined a gang and my criminal behavior progressed beyond self harm to a point where I was harming everyone around me as well as myself; family, friends, and community. Using drugs and alcohol became a way for me to run away from situation‘s and problems all throughout my life. I never learn to take responsibility for my choices and actions. I would shift responsibility to others or display remorse without amends. I would live in denial and continue to play the victim role for most of my life. I held onto pain and resentment because I never learn to deal with them. I walked in my life with a mask on never giving myself permission to be myself because I do not know who I really was. I only knew the character I was pretending to be. I could not recognize real genuine love, and did not know how to love myself, or anyone else. Living like this, I was doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over, always getting worse and worse as I progressed in a fiery downward spiral.
The untreated traumas of my childhood, well, I continued to cover them up with the help of my substance and criminal actions.
Negative excitement kept me stuck in years of dysfunction, abuse, and self-destruction circumstances. I would battle being depressed when I did not have that negativity in my life taking control, it’s not like my life lost meaning if I did not have all the drama. My fears and addictions were maintained by rationalization, and supplied the reason for never changing. Fears of rejection would stop me from reaching out for help. I was stuck in a childish state of mind even as an adult. Immature thinking would block access to mature solutions. My long held negative thinking would lead me to lose perspective and it held me hostage to the same negative thinking. I lost the ability and freedom, to try new things for fear of the unknown, and failure. This led to me losing my sense of self-worth, and self-esteem. I would convince myself I was“unworthy“. I alienated myself from people who loved me. I learn to live by reacting, instead of taking action. I lost everything because I failed to confront my addictions. I kept looking for happiness in place where there was only pain. I looked for more in a lifestyle that only gave me less.
I have rejected that lifestyle of negativity and have embraced a positive and healthy way to live. I have embraced the man God has created me to be. I have become more open and less guarded and this is evident in the choices I make today. I’ve become lighter and happier. I have forgiven those who have caused me harm, and I have forgiven myself. Today I live in the solution (Jesus Christ) and not the problem (addiction). With Jesus Christ I put away that old immature child i was, and I have become a mature responsible adult by the grace of God.
Richard Randall K27451
PO Box 5007
Calipatria, CA 92233