Richard Randall K27451 formally Richard Nisbit June 4, 2022 ~~insight ~~

I was born late in the year 1977 in San Diego California. I had a very unstable childhood. I was raised by a single mother, i never knew who my father was, and was the youngest of three children. We moved around from place to place, never staying anyone place for too long. My family was not perfect; far from it, we had a lot of struggles and challenges. I did not even get the basic kinds of emotional support or fundamental support,  like food and housing, we were too unstable. There was no structure in our lives no discipline, no rewards, thereby leaving safety issues prevalent. This shaped how I felt about myself and how I perceived the world around me. I did not know my life was abnormal; it was just how life was. I was smart but I had a lot of trouble in school because I could not concentrate or pay attention, my mind always seem to be somewhere else. I had meds but they were never regularly available for me due to issues at home. I struggled in school bad. I developed problems with almost any authority figure, and by fifth grade I started ditching school. I found it hard to make friends because we moved so much; I did not want other people to see what my home life was like. This caused me to isolate myself and choose friends that were from similar homes as myself. We got into a lot of high risk behaviors like stealing and vandalism. The thrill I got from acting out in these ways help me to feel in some sort of control with my out-of-control life. Having to constantly look for the warning signs of danger made me grow up really fast. My older sister was really responsible and had good friends. She always tried to look out for me, but she was also young and in the same boat as me, so she had problems as well. I started to feel like I was robbed of a good life, I walked around feeling cheated all the time. I kept trying to fill the empty space inside myself and I felt like I had the right to get that empty space filled by any means necessary. I started to feel entitled to things that did not belong to me and excused my stealing with thoughts like “they have a lot and I have nothing“. I wanted to feel good; I started getting things and doing things that made me feel good, powerful, and accepted. This was my childhood leading up to addiction of crime, gangs, and drugs.