Richard Hildahl a.k.a. inmate Richard Nisbit # K27451
My name is inmate Richard Nisbit #K27451, but I was born Richard Hildahl, in San Diego California, to a single mother. I’m submitting this statement to The Amends Project in an effort to demonstrate that over the last 5 to 6 years I have undergone an in-depth self-examination of my life. These efforts have resulted in personal growth and maturity, as well as, a high-level of insight. It is my hope that the following will provide you with a greater scope of myself as the individual that I am today.
I will not talk about the facts of my crimes. My crimes harmed many people and I do not choose to hurt anyone further. On writing this statement, I do not intend to minimize my crimes, my roles in them or to detract from the pain and suffering I have caused, rather have come to understand the full extent of my culpability. I make no attempt to justify myself, my sole focus remains on rehabilitation and making a living amends.
Over the past 5 to 6 years I have come to realize that several factors contributed to my life crimes. These factors not only led me to the circumstances of my crime, but also made me someone who was capable of committing these crimes in the first place. To begin with, my early childhood was not ideal. My mother was a single woman with three children. She was neglectful/uninvolved parent. Neglectful parents are oblivious to their children’s behaviors; they seem not to care. Neglectful/uninvolved parents tend to raise children who are immature, sad, alone, and at risk of injuring and or of abuse. This abuse can be found in early childhood but can also be lifelong. As a result of my lack of supervision and discretion when I was a toddler and developing, I was exposed to a lot of crime, sex, and drugs. My mother did not have healthy relationships, so my home (when we had one) was unstable. During this time, I was alone a lot with my older sister (5 years older). Abandonment issues would have a lasting effect on me, and affect my life going forward. During my middle childhood, about age 5 or 6, I was very active and impulsive and could not sit still, all the time fidgeting, talking when I should’ve been listening, unable to stay on task. My mother took me to a doctor and they told her I was hyperactive/ADHD and gave me medication. I had difficulties with school, I became unhappy with who I was and everyone around me. I did not get the medication regularly. I was a wild child. My self-concept and identity became influenced by other opinions of me. This is a time when insecurity really started to be an issue for me. My self-esteem was very fragile. I constantly comparing myself to others. Add to this a long series of hassles, day in and day out. These repeated stresses made things difficult for me. Being neglected, having no positive male role models, and feeling rejected led me to start being antagonistic and confrontational. I would miss calculate or misinterpret social situations, I lacked emotional regulation. This led me to becoming both a bully and a victim. I move onto my adolescence and puberty kicks in, the result is a cascade of hormones and heightened emotions. I had no goals, I was unfocused, and I was not at all concerned about my fu