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Tony Pulido T79515

Bottom of the barrel


We all have a story to tell, that in our minds we think is unique, to the masses outside our world of understanding. There are many factors that shape our perspective and give us fuel to interact with individuals who impact us emotionally, socially, and in some cases lead you into totally different ways where you take life for granted. I’d like to say that I am a product of my environment and the choices that I’ve made which influenced my attitudes and behaviors towards other people. See, science can intrigue you to believe many things that one might not understand or have the wits to fathom the depths of truth and deception we condition ourselves to believe.It’s funny because I grew up thinking I was normal in a place where things that were taboo was normal and fascinating to my young mine. In retrospect when your level of understanding comes from individuals with no education, no resources, foreign born, and language barrier, it tends to stunt your growth intellectually. I’m not making excuses for who I was in my past, I am clarifying how my skewed up perception about will anchored me to believe a certain way.


Societal norms is something that always eluded me my whole life because success with something I never got acquainted with based on my background that included poverty, crime, violence, alcoholism, language barriers, and foreign born comprehension, that had very limited education, if that. Things like these can stunt the growth of a young mind, that is trying to identify himself with, in a realm, where a class system pre-determined your range of choices. That is what I actually believed at the time because my role models were criminals or hard-working people who had no time to indulge in quality time that would have inspired me to be of dignified proportions. Like pursuing an academic career or investing in a sport. I don’t blame no one for my choices, but when you lost your own way of thinking, and figuring stuff out, you tend to find scapegoats and neglect insight to your problems you create. Irony of all this is that I always had a good attitude about my misfortunes in life because I guess failure was my only true friend that saturated my life with alcoholism. And was always there for me. I skipped out on life because criminality was so intoxicating for me that I felt it was my destiny to pursue crime as a viable profession. I convinced myself to foolishly believe in my will to accomplish levels of acknowledgment in a subculture that glorified impulsive settlement. The mental battles I created for myself kick the can further as I developed anger toward authority that stemmed from me resenting my mother from unreasonable facts. It messed up my perception to distinguish honest love and care from people in my environment. My emotional scars are a testament to that.


Beliefs or a fickle thing that can warp your fragile state of mind to depths of inconsiderate natures that produce insane amounts of stupidity. I say this because I would often ask myself, “why was this the outcome”, in the pursuit of a goal. I failed to realize the amount of experience my brain had and only knowing one outcome and how it would filter out. Like failure and the residual effects it has on your success rate. If you know how the brain works after certain changes/traumas you go through, the brain itself resorts to adaptation called “plasticity“. Meaning that if you don’t use the talents you were born with, it will get hijacked by what you emotionally hold onto. This will irrevocably sink one into a rabbit hole of moral question ability lifestyle choices. I’m taking the whole meaning of what plasticity really means out of context to fit my body of work, psychologically. They say you got to have courage to address the truth of what you know “as being right“. It’s a horrible feeling to acknowledge that, because your world crumbles when knowledge comes around and proves your faulty way of existence and how your ego shrinks under scrutiny because the normal you came to understand has no substance spiritually and morally. That is what I was running from my whole life, being subjected to the real world expectations of responsibility. Something I failed to do and never had the courage to fulfill. When you feel that you’ve been dealt a bad hand, like living at the bottom of a barrel socially, you carry that mentality throughout your experiences because you blame society for your shortcomings that evidently turn into lifestyle choices, bad ones.

Motivation

What motivates me the most is that I have another opportunity to redeem myself from all the wrongs I have committed in life. I have a new perspective on life because I found a meaning to purpose on this earth and that is absorbing myself from misfortune of past and turning a new page to the future and paying it forward to others who also seek redemption in their lives. I’ve been fortunate enough to have lots of support for my family and encouragement from peers to continue to my pursuit of higher education to widen my opportunities. By the grace of God, I have been able to gain insight to me and the person I was in society that caused harm to all those years, with my alcoholism and defects of character that I displayed outward.

The person that really motivates me daily was that individual who used to be so insecure with all those self-esteem issues. Who never dared to address his problems to anyone and isolate himself socially. Who would use alcohol to he ease his emotional pain, so he wouldn’t have to face the man in the mirror every day. The moral of the story is that failure , Isn’t it a bad thing as long as you were able to discern how you can profit from your mistakes, in order to redeem we can be saved and that is your soul. I give thanks to cd CR, because it save my life from a road where Hope comes to die. I see the light now, there is ample opportunity for me, once I am released back into society.


Why do I want to participate in self-help groups?

I was the type of person that did not like to disclose any kind of information about myself that would make me feel insecure and vulnerable to others because I lack the understanding of work reaching out to people really met. I especially couldn’t hold a conversation in front of a crowd about my deepest fears and the core issues that anchored my self-esteem to no avail. I would dodge my responsibilities to my actions by neglecting my accountability when confronted about them. I failed to realize that for every action there is a reaction. My perspective was skewed from the beginning because trusting someone was hard for me to do, and developing a bond outside my comfort zone was not in my lack-less courage, to do the right thing.

Since I’ve been engaging in peer support groups, like A.V.P., Imperial Valley College, I have found myself and what change really means. And what it takes to get insight to your past life. Or my life styles were unhealthy to me and those I have hurt. I now understand what remorse accountability and insight is because that is what you leave me my whole life. Due to me not taking the initiative to except I really was, and how I was living. It took for me to trust myself in the self-help groups to open up about myself that I came to a realization that my life was now manageable and that there needs to be a change in my life spiritually. With the help of my peers and my family, I am able to participate in curriculum that will help advance in life educationally and professionally. In conclusion I cannot gain all this knowledge and wisdom with all of the hard work I put in and invested in the process of faith that the support groups have given me an offer. My self-esteem has blossom in the right direction and share my blessings with those who seek redemption in their life. Thanks to the self-help community I am part of.


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Richard Randall Monday, July 11, 2022 I have been incarcerated now for 29 years; I have been assigned a new identity by California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation. As a result of my past