Bottom of the barrel
We all have a story to tell, that in our minds we think is unique, to the masses outside our world of understanding. There are many factors that shape our perspective and give us fuel to interact with individuals who impact us emotionally, socially, and in some cases lead you into totally different ways where you take life for granted. I’d like to say that I am a product of my environment and the choices that I’ve made which influenced my attitudes and behaviors towards other people. See, science can intrigue you to believe many things that one might not understand or have the wits to fathom the depths of truth and deception we condition ourselves to believe.It’s funny because I grew up thinking I was normal in a place where things that were taboo was normal and fascinating to my young mine. In retrospect when your level of understanding comes from individuals with no education, no resources, foreign born, and language barrier, it tends to stunt your growth intellectually. I’m not making excuses for who I was in my past, I am clarifying how my skewed up perception about will anchored me to believe a certain way.
Societal norms is something that always eluded me my whole life because success with something I never got acquainted with based on my background that included poverty, crime, violence, alcoholism, language barriers, and foreign born comprehension, that had very limited education, if that. Things like these can stunt the growth of a young mind, that is trying to identify himself with, in a realm, where a class system pre-determined your range of choices. That is what I actually believed at the time because my role models were criminals or hard-working people who had no time to indulge in quality time that would have inspired me to be of dignified proportions. Like pursuing an academic career or investing in a sport. I don’t blame no one for my choices, but when you lost your own way of thinking, and figuring stuff out, you tend to find scapegoats and neglect insight to your problems you create. Irony of all this is that I always had a good attitude about my misfortunes in life because I guess failure was my only true friend that saturated my life with alcoholism. And was always there for me. I skipped out on life because criminality was so intoxicating for me that I felt it was my destiny to pursue crime as a viable profession. I convinced myself to foolishly believe in my will to accomplish levels of acknowledgment in a subculture that glorified impulsive settlement. The mental battles I created for myself kick the can further as I developed anger toward authority that stemmed from me resenting my mother from unreasonable facts. It messed up my perception to distinguish honest love and care from people in my environment. My emotional scars are a testament to that.
Beliefs or a fickle thing that can warp your fragile state of mind to depths of inconsiderate natures that produce insane amounts of stupidity. I say this because I would often ask myself, “why was this the outcome”, in the pursuit of a goal. I failed to realize the amount of experience my brain had and only knowing one outcome and how it would filter out. Like failure and the residual effects it has on your success rate. If you know how the brain works after certain changes/traumas you go through, the brain itself resorts to adaptation called “plasticity“. Meaning that if you don’t use the talents you were born with, it will get hijacked by what you emotionally hold onto. This will irrevocably sink one into a rabbit hole of moral question ability lifestyle choices. I’m taking the whole meaning of what plasticity really means out of context to fit my body of work, psychologically. They say you got to have courage to address the truth of what you know “as being right“. It’s a horrible feeling to acknowledge that, because your world crumbles when knowledge comes around and proves your faulty way of existence and how your ego shrinks under scrutiny because the normal you came to understand has no substance spiritually and morally. That is what I was running from my whole life, being subjected to the real world expectations of responsibility. Something I failed to do and never had the courage to fulfill. When you feel that you’ve been dealt a bad hand, like living at the bottom of a barrel socially, you carry that mentality throughout your experiences because you blame society for your shortcomings that evidently turn into lifestyle choices, bad ones.
What motivates me the most is that I have another opportunity to redeem myself from all the wrongs I have committed in life. I have a new perspective on life because I found a meaning to purpose on this earth and that is absorbing myself from misfortune of past and turning a new page to the future and paying it forward to others who also seek redemption in their lives. I’ve been fortunate enough to have lots of support for my family and encouragement from peers to continue t