I believe that everybody has an addiction to something, maybe they have found that thing and maybe they haven’t.
How we deal with our addiction is what is most important.
I am someone that is addicted to drugs. I have been sober for a few years now but my drug use was a big part of my life. I let those drugs control me and my actions every day. I have now learned that I will never be done with my addiction. I’ve learned to not give in to my urges or to minimize my triggers. I know that I am more than my addiction.
Addiction in my life has had difficult meanings at different times. I was in denial for years but very much addicted to drugs. I thought I was in control of things but very much so, my addiction was in control. I didn’t know that my life was focused around my addiction. Any plans I made throughout my day, would include time to get high. The first thing I did in the morning when I woke up, if I even went to sleep at all, was to get high. And the last thing that I did at night was to make plans to get high the next day. I didn’t care about anything except to not get caught and I hurt so many people along the way. My addiction, at its worse, was a monster that shames me to this day.
Inside of my addiction, I was lost and in pain. I was really very broken, but didn’t realize it. Getting high was a quick fix to all my problems. The truth of the matter is: that your problems don’t go away until you confront them and deal with them. The reality of my addiction is that every time I get high, I’m only putting a small bandage over a big wound. I didn’t understand how to deal with my problems. I manipulated and made excuses to myself to justify getting high. Life is not easy. I’ve had past traumas. I have insecurities. I doubt myself, I get frustrated. I get sad, confused, angry, offended, and so many other things that don’t go my way, but getting high never fixed anything. It only numbed my negative feelings and pain. I became dependent on the numbness and that distraction from my problems. I was ruining my body, my mind, and my relationships. Inside of my addiction I am a scared little boy, hiding behind the substance that gives me a false sense of happiness and control. I’m even telling myself that I’m a better person because of drugs but the truth is I’ve never had any of these people who love me and care about me tell me “I like you better when you’re high“ my drug addiction really had control over me.
As I have come to this point in my life, I have learned that I am not my addiction to drugs. There is no more hiding from my problems by getting high. I think first about my action and what the consequences of those actions would be and this has led me to make better decisions. Without drugs, I’m happier and I feel free of this poison that I used to depend on. I now handle my addiction one day at a time.
Acknowledging this weakness has taken away a lot of the power that drugs had over me. Choosing drugs over everything is what addiction was to me in my life. Now that I have been there, I can not allow myself to go back. My addiction is a constant reminder of "how far I have come" and it motivates me to help others not fall into the same self-destructive behavior.
Understanding my addiction is where my amends starts.